Myocardia
by Anita
Summary: They had to become shattered if they wanted to remain whole.
1. God Put A Smile Upon Your Face

God Put A Smile Upon Your Face

**Rating: G  
Song: Coldplay – God Put A Smile Upon Your Face**

* * *

_Where do we go, nobody knows  
I've got to say, I'm on my way down  
God give me style and give me grace  
God put a smile upon my face_

Mulder felt the thoughts rage in his mind, the turmoil taking its toil. His life's work was being put to an end, and all he could do was watch it happen. His world was being torn apart without the slightest shred of pity or regret.

_Where do we go to draw the line?  
I've got to say, I wasted all your time, honey honey  
Where do I go to fall from grace?  
God put a smile upon your face_

It was time to throw in the towel. The X-Files were being shelved, and there was nothing he could do. He had spent years convincing Scully that their work was important, that what they did might one day save the world. In the end, it was all irrelevant. Nothing mattered anymore. All of their hard work had been for nothing. Everything was crashing down. He wasn't bitter, he was simply outraged. They had been so close…

He wasn't naïve. He knew there was nothing left for the two of them. They had worked long and hard, suffered every fate imaginable, but in the end, they had ended up empty-handed.

_And ah, when you work it out I'm worse than you  
Yeah, when you work it out I wanted to  
And ah, when you work out where to draw the line  
Your guess is as good as mine_

But he couldn't let her give up. He wouldn't. She had so much to live for. She had a loving family. She had a respectable career ahead of her. She had been happy long before they had met, and she would be happy still. With or without him.

_Where do we go, nobody knows  
Don't ever say you're on your way down when  
God gave you style and gave you grace  
God put a smile upon your face_

The places they had gone, the things they had seen, no one could take that away from them. They had been on the verge of discovering the truth. He wondered if he would still be able to find the answers he sought.

_And, when you work it out I'm worse than you  
Yeah, when you work it out I want it too  
And, when you work out where to draw the line  
Your guess is as good as mine  
It's as good as mine  
As good as mine_

But he knew he needed Scully to help him. She balanced his persistence and fervour. She had kept him from crossing the line, saved him from losing himself time and again. She had been his partner in every sense of the word.

_Where do we go, nobody knows  
Don't ever say you're on your way down when  
God gave you style and gave you grace  
And put a smile upon your face_

He knew he couldn't live without her, but she deserved more than this. She deserved more than what he had to offer; he had nothing. He had been blessed by her presence for the few years they had, but it was time for them to both move on.

He needed to know that he could move on.


	2. Swallowed In The Sea

Swallowed In The Sea

**Rating: PG  
Song: Coldplay – Swallowed In The Sea**

* * *

_You cut me down a tree and brought it back to me  
And that's what made me see where I was going wrong  
You put me on a shelf and kept me for yourself  
I can only blame myself, you can only blame me_

She heard a knock at her door and his muffled voice. "Scully."

"Mulder?" She opened the door, gesturing for him to come in to her apartment. He looked tired, dishevelled and hurried. "What's wrong?"

"I can't do it. Not like this, not alone." He mumbled.

She shook her head in confusion. It was too late for her to hear all of this now. "What are you talking about, Mulder?"

"Dammit, Scully, you need to come back!"

_And I could write a song a hundred miles long  
Well that's where I belong and you belong with me  
And I could write it down or spread it all around  
Get lost and then get found or swallowed in the sea_

"I'm not coming back, Mulder." She couldn't look him in the eye.

"Nothing even makes sense anymore." He was rambling and livid and hysterical. "You shouldn't have left. Nothing's right anymore."

"You're drunk." She could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"I'm lost!" He shouts.

"Mulder"

"I'm lost without you…"

_You put me on a line and hung me out to dry  
Darling that's when I decided to go to see you  
You cut me down to size and opened up my eyes  
Made me realize what I could not see_

She couldn't stop the tears from springing to her eyes. "You need to go."

"I can't go, I won't go, not now, Scully. I finally understand." He took a step closer, placing his hand on her cheek. "I'm nothing on my own."

_And I could write a book, the one they'll say that shook the world  
And then it took, it took it back from me  
And I could write it down and spread it all around  
Get lost and then get found and you'll come back to me  
Not swallowed in the sea_

He began to pull her closer. She knew she had to push him away; she had to end this before it started. Once things spiralled out of control, there was no turning back. But she couldn't. Not now.

She had been waiting for so long…

_And I could write a song a hundred miles long  
Well that's where I belong and you belong with me  
The streets you're walking on, a thousand houses long  
Well that's where I belong and you belong with me_

Their lips met, and she knew there was nothing she could do. It was inevitable. Once they had gone down this road, there was no stopping it. They had to become shattered if they wanted to remain whole.

His kiss was a plea, hers an apology.

_Oh what good is it to live with nothing left to give  
Forget but not forgive, not loving all you see  
Oh the streets you're walking on a thousand houses long  
Well that's where I belong and you belong with me  
Not swallowed in the sea_

"I need you." He whispered, and she knew he meant it.

But she had nothing left to give. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I am so sorry."

_You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea  
Yeah you belong with me  
Not swallowed in the sea._


	3. What If

What If

**Rating: G  
Song: Coldplay – What If**

* * *

_What if there was no light  
Nothing wrong, nothing right?  
What if there was no time  
And no reason, or rhyme? _

Mulder had woken up the next morning, his head pounding. He winced as he felt glimpses of the night return to him. Memories of Scully and the words he had spoken, the war they had waged.

_What if you should decide  
That you don't want me there by your side?  
That you don't want me there in your life?  
_

She would never hurt him, he was sure of it. But she wouldn't cross the line. She couldn't. Not when there was so much at stake.

He had laid it all out for her, but she did not relent. Whatever they shared, whatever there was between them could never be. And maybe she was right.

_What if I got it wrong  
And no poem or song  
Could put right what I got wrong  
Or make you feel I belong?_

He had made a terrible mistake.

Everything had been a mistake. He should have understood much sooner. He should have acted while he had the chance.

Instead, he had ruined the one thing he had left. He had irrevocably destroyed the friendship that had seen him through long hours and dangerous nights.

Each time he took a step closer, he felt her slipping further away.

_Oooooooh that's right  
Let's take a breath, jump over the side_

He needed to make this right.

_Oooooooh that's right  
How can you know it if you don't even try? _

She needed to give him a chance.

_Oooooooh that's right  
_

But then again, when had they ever been on the same page?

_Every step that you take  
Could be your biggest mistake  
It could bend or it could break  
But that's the risk that you take _

For years, they had tread lightly. How could he have single-handedly caused all of their years together to burst into flames? How could it be that he wakes up one morning to find it all in ruins?

He couldn't imagine a life without her. He couldn't comprehend it. What would be left for him then, once she chose to leave?

_Oooooooh thats right  
Let's take a breath, jump over the side  
Oooooooh that's right  
How can you know it when you don't even try?  
Oooooooh that's right  
_

Without another thought, he grabbed his coat and headed out the door. He needed to act fast if he wanted to salvage the situation. Scully would understand. She had to.

_Oooooooh thats right  
Let's take a breath, jump over the side  
Oooooooh that's right  
You know that darkness always turns into light  
Oooooooh that's right_

He would find a way of making this right. He always did.

It couldn't end this way.


	4. The Scientist

The Scientist

**Rating: G  
Song: Coldplay – The Scientist**

* * *

He knocked on her door without a second thought. She opened it to find him in almost the exact same state as when he had left her. He was still drained, tousled and in a rush to get somewhere she wasn't sure she could go.

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are_

He watched her with luminous eyes. Somehow, everything had shifted in the glare of broad daylight. Her face no longer held pity, only confusion. And fear.

He wasn't sure which of them she was afraid for. They both had so much to lose.

_I had to find you, tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart_

She watched as he took her hand. She wanted so badly for things to go back to the way they were. She wanted so badly for the touch of his hand to be nothing more than that. But she found that it was no longer comforting; it had become an obsession.

_Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions  
Oh, let's go back to the start_

"I'm sorry, Scully. For last night. I shouldn't have…"

She waited. She needed to know his reasons. Why shouldn't they? Why should they?

"I never should have come at all."

_Running in circles, coming up tails  
Heads on a silence apart_

He tried so hard to erase it forever. To turn it into the worst mistake he had ever made.

But she had seen it for what it truly was: his only purpose.

He struggled to make it right, but she knew him better than that. She could see straight through his lies.

_Nobody said it was easy  
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part_

"You were right. You shouldn't come back. The X-Files may have taken over my life, but I won't let them take over yours."

His eyes locked on to hers, hoping she would recognize his sincerity. She had only seen his façade.

_Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said that it would be this hard_

"It won't be easy." She whispered. "For you to do this alone."

He looked at her in shock. This was not what he had expected.

Her gentle words hurt more than he could have ever have imagined.

_Oh, take me back to the start_

He wondered how things would change if he agreed. If he told her she was right. If he told her that without her, he would wither away. It was only a matter of time…

But he couldn't do that to her. They couldn't keep walking in circles.

_I was just guessing at numbers and figures  
Pulling the puzzles apart_

"For years I've been trying to find answers, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing, Scully. I'm being dragged down deeper and deeper, and all I'm doing now is taking you with me."

_Questions of science, science and progress  
Do not speak as loud as my heart_

He looked her dead in the eyes. He needed this to hit home. He needed this to count.

"No matter how I feel about you, we can't keep going on like this. I can't let you. I'm walking away, and I think it's time that you do too…"

He waited, only a moment, for her to respond, but she had nothing left to say.

_Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me  
Oh, and I rush to the start_

Slowly, he lifted her hand, raising it to his lips. Giving her his long good-bye.

She contemplated his every movement, and she could clearly see that he didn't want to leave. He wanted to go back.

If she had the courage, she would make it happen. If she had the strength, she would never let him go. If she had the faith, she would stop playing these games.

But she didn't stop him.

_Running in circles, chasing our tails  
Coming back as we are_

Instead she watched him walk away, out of her sight.

Out of her life.

_Nobody said it was easy  
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so hard  
_

She wondered if this really would be the last time.

_I'm going back to the start_


	5. X&Y

X&Y

**Rating: G  
Song: Coldplay – X&Y**

* * *

_Trying hard to speak  
And fighting with my weak hand_

She made her way to the elevator, taking the route she had taken for years. Somehow it all felt so strange. Something felt amiss.

But she had to see him.

_Driven to distraction  
It's all part of the plan_

She found him sitting alone in the office. For once, his desk was actually clean. She marvelled at the fact that losing her was the only thing that could finally motivate him enough to change.

"Mulder."

He looked up, neither surprised nor expectant. He had known she was coming.

"Scully, you shouldn't be here." His voice was devoid of any emotion. He was trying to let go.

_When something is broken  
And you try to fix it_

"I don't care what you think I should do." She shot back at him in anger, finally delving deeper, breaking the hold. "Don't I even get a say in this?"

Mulder looked away. "Scully…"

"You ran away. You ran away because you were afraid. Of your feelings for me. Of our feelings for each other." He looked at her in surprise. The truth sounded remarkable to his ears as she spoke it.

_Trying to repair it  
Any way you can_

"That's fine, Mulder, but there's something more important than our emotions here. We both know it." Her eyes pierced his with a fierceness he had known he would never forget.

"I am not letting it go. I won't let them scare me away; I won't let them play us against one another. That's exactly what they want."

_I dive in at the deep end  
You become my best friend_

"I won't leave. I can't. We both know that."

He paused, watching her for a moment, before he broke into a smile. She had never been so relieved. It had felt as if neither of them had smiled for years.

She smiled back, taking his hand in hers.

_I want to love you but I don't know if I can_

"I don't know if things can be the way they were before." He spoke softly, cautiously. Everything had changed.

"I'm nothing on my own." She replied as the echoes of his own words returned to him, refined, tenable, profound.

_I know something is broken  
and I'm trying to fix it  
Trying to repair it anyway I can_

She placed her hand on his cheek, careful with each touch. They couldn't let this break now.

He wouldn't push her away; he wouldn't end this before it started. Because there was no turning back now.

He had been waiting for so long…

_You and me are floating on a tidal wave...together  
You and me are drifting into outer space...and singing_

Time crawled along. They would never be sure how long it took. But when she kissed him…

There was no plea, there was no apology. There were no excuses.

"I need you." She whispered, and he was finally certain that she meant it.

He gave her everything he had left. "Thank you."

They could begin to pick up the pieces; mend the shards of their pain.

_You and me are floating on a tidal wave...together  
You and me are drifting into outer space  
You and me are floating on a tidal wave...together  
You and me are drifting into outer space...and singing_

They were finally complete.


End file.
